If You Think You’re Lonely Now

. . . just wait until tonight, girl.  Mr. Womack surely put his heart and soul into those lyrics, and they’ve defined the weeks since my husband’s passing.  During the day, it’s a bit easier to fill my time because I’ve returned to work.  My head isn’t really in the game, but I’ve got a super supportive boss and great colleagues.  Outside of work, I’ve got Little TDJ, my family, friends and a village of others to fill the minutes.

In the evenings, once our household is settled in for the night, the darkness starts to invade my head.  The loneliness pushes in from the edges of my heart and fights to take control.  It hurts to reflect upon my work day and want to share something a coworker did or said, but not have him to share it with.  It’s heart wrenching to see a show that we loved to watch together on the preview guide and not be able to force myself to watch it alone.  It is so painful to think of a funny joke that we’ve shared for years, and not have him there to deliver his part of the punch line.

Sometimes I can look down upon my son’s sleeping face and feel a few moments of comfort, but that is short-lived and followed by the desire to share the highlights of his school day with his father.  **sigh**  The endless hours of reflection and thought during the midnight hours remind me of how deep my loss is.  The stillness of the night allows my mind to drift, dream and remember.  In the hours before dawn, even my best memories come coated in sadness.  The good memories all begin with smiles and joy, then they change stained by the inevitable fact that I don’t have my other half to make any more.  MrTDJ isn’t there to laugh at my corny jokes and I can’t laugh at his crude ones.  I’m not the first person to lose their friend, love mate and spouse and unfortunately, I won’t be the last.  This is a pain that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

I continue to pray my own strength and I receive the collective strength from those that are praying for me.  Your calls, texts, emails, FB messages and blog messages mean more than I could ever tell you.  Thank you for not stopping even when I don’t respond.  Know that none are falling upon deaf ears. Sometimes the communication comes when I’m in a “good” place and stepping out to confirm to someone that I’m good makes me not so good.  I hope that makes sense.  Sometimes the communication comes when I’m in a not so good place and although I’m lifted that someone is thinking of me, I’m not able to compose myself enough to respond.

I printed the following lyrics from Yolanda Adams, The Battle Is Not Yours and I taped them inside my husband’s wallet, which I have been carrying inside my purse since the morning he passed away.

There is no pain Jesus can’t feel
No hurt He cannot heal
All things work according to His perfect will

No matter what you’re going through
Remember God is using You
For the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s

But at night, even these words aren’t able to help me through the painful tightening in my chest.  Lonely is something I’m not used to feeling and it hurts more than I could ever imagine.  Conventional wisdom says that one day it will begin to hurt less.  I doubt I’m anywhere near that day.


32 thoughts on “If You Think You’re Lonely Now

  1. I will continue to pray for you. I think of you and your son often. I hope blogging about your loss and pain is cathartic and brings you some relief and solace.

  2. My heart is aching for you. I can’t even begin to imagine. I’ll continue making sure you know you’re,in my thoughts even if you don’t respond. *hugs*

  3. Every word you write, every prayer that your heart says and every tear that you shed, He sees and feels. Don’t apologize for how you feel because it is what you feel. Read the Psalms aloud, even in the midnight hour. His Word really can bring peace in the midst of the storm. We will not stop praying for you and your family. Love ya’, Sharon

  4. I have been a follower of your blog. I enjoy the stories and life experiences you share. My condolences to you and family. Keep on writing, sister. I always look forward to reading your your blog. Your sister in Atlanta and Christ,Anita.

  5. Your husband is smiling upon you, God will protect you and your son are covered in prayer constantly. I pray for you, your strength is amazing. Keep writing…

  6. Damn dude…I guess I couldn’t see the tears falling from your eyes so you had to make the post cry. I’m thinking of you and praying for you.

  7. nothing will ever be able to take the feelings away…i want to say in time you will become less numb and more ok…in will take time but i really pray that you’ll find a way to be ok..((HUGS))

  8. (((((HUGS)))) Still keeping you guys in my prayers. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better for you.

  9. I pray for you daily and though we can’t fill the space we are here and wont be going away, your friends, family and supporters.

  10. I’m glad you are finding some comfort in small litttle things:-) my heart aches for you my friend but I keep on praying for you!!

  11. Hey Lady, I’m sure you have heard and are probably tired of all the platitudes. I bet you have already heard all the scriptures. So all I will say is that I continue to pray for you and your son.

  12. I know exactly what you are going through. It has been two years exactly since my husband died. I wanted to post a reply sooner, but it was too hard for me. Someone told me soon after his death, that it does become easier..and I held on to that…I think that I had to because I could not see ever feeling anything but this pain that for me, cannot be explained in words. Having a young child kept me going, but grieving is a process. Suffering a sudden loss is a hard blow.
    One day you may feel fine and then the next day you may feel complete sadness. Just know that this is ok…there is no handbook on how to grieve for someone. Although nothing can ever take away the empty spot in your heart, with time the wound does soften.
    Praying for you.

  13. I am so heartbroken to hear of your loss. I wish there was something that could be done or said to make the pain you have to be feeling magically go away. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and little TDJ. Sending your positive energy and virtual hugs.

  14. Taya, I’ve been catching up with your blog and I really was moved to tears. I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now but please know that God is in full control. Every tear you cry, the words that can’t seem to be formed when you pray, know that God hears even your silent words. I pray that He continues to guide, comfort, and keep you. I pray that He continues to give you the strength you need to be strong for the son you have to also comfort and raise. I have not reached out to you in a while but I am here if you need to cry, yell, pray, whatever. I love you my fellow sister wife and you are and will always be in my thoughts and prayers…. God bless you and your son. (((Hugs)))

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