Throw Your Hands Up!!!

Hey ya’ll!  Most who know me IRL and through this blog know that I have a fear of cats.  Ya didn’t know?  Well, you can read about a monumental moment here or a painful one here.  I guess fear is kinda understating it.  I have ailurophobia which is defined as “an abnormal and persistent fear of cats which produces an undue anxiety reaction even though sufferers realize their fear is irrational”.   And yes, I do realize that the fear is irrational.  Lately, there seems to be an increased number of cats in my neighborhood and I’m not happy about it.  MrTDJ was kind enough to give me a talking to last night in an effort to laugh his azz off at my expense encourage me to remain calm when I encounter a nasty feline.  He reminded me of an incident where me staying calm definitely did not happen.

A few years ago when we were living in D.C., our neighborhood had lots of cats.  I bought those sonic devices to keep the cats out of your yard (I want a refund!!!), we lined plastic containers with ammonia and placed them around the perimeter of our house, etc.  Nothing seemed to keep the cougars away.  One day, I came face to face with the enemy.  Let me go try to find a pic to lay things out for you.  Here’s a track to entertain you while I’m gone:

Ok, I just wasted ten minutes of my life searching for a pic that would give you an idea of the landscape.  No luck, so I spent the last four minutes drawing this oh so professional illustration so ya’ll would understand what happened.  I’m no aspiring artist, so please bear with my simplistic rendering.

As you can see from the pic, we had a driveway next to our house.  I used to park there and hubs would park out front.  On this particular day, ya girl was in the car in the picture above, coming home from who knows where.  I threw my left blinker on to dip into the alley, and then I was all set to make an immediate and sharp right into our driveway.  But, out of NOWHERE, a huge grey and white panther (aka a scruffy alley cat) leapt from behind a trash can and began to stalk across the damn alley.

ARGH!!!!!  What to do???  What to do????   A damn king daddy lion was walking around all casual, like he owned the whole freaking alley.  I was trapped inside a vehicle, totally helpless and defenseless just waiting for the predator to decide to attack me!!!!!

I was frozen for a split second, then I performed an irrational and unthinkable set of actions.

I screamed in an octave I didn’t know I could reach,

I slammed on the gas instead of the brake,

I closed my eyes TIGHT, and

I took my hands off the wheel to cover my eyes!

I know, I know!  Stop shaking your heads and laughing at me!!  I was under duress and I panicked!!!  Completely terrified, flustered and unable to make any rational decisions!  The next thing I remember is my forehead smacking the steering wheel and the sound of water hissing.

So, um, yeah.  You know that fence in the picture above?  Yeah, that one.  Drove through it.

You know that apartment building that is just beyond it?  Yeah, that one.  Drive into the side of it.

Yep, sure did.  I opened my eyes to find myself looking very much like this:

My neighbors from all over came pouring out of their houses and the folks in the apartment building were staring down from their windows.  Who knows where the menacing feline that spawned the whole incident went.  I was uninjured, thank God, minus a tiny bruise on my forehead.  If you know me IRL, look for it the next time you see me.  *lol*

Our insurance, St.ate Far.m loved us for calling in and placing that claim.  We paid our deductible, but the damage was well into 5 figures.  Ouch!  That hurt more than the damn bump on my head.

So yeah, my fear goes much deeper than folks realize.   I was stunned and shell shocked in the moment, but within a few hours we were able to laugh about it.  I scheduled a therapy session to try to treat the phobia, but I later cancelled.  In doing my research, I learned that about 4 or 5 sessions in, most therapists bring the object of your phobia into the session for you to observe/interact/pet the thing????????  Awww, hells no!!!!

Moral of this story?  No matter what anyone tells you, there is NO s@x in the champagne room and you should NEVER close your eyes, slam on the gas or remove your hands from the steering wheel while driving.  NEVER!

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51 thoughts on “Throw Your Hands Up!!!

  1. you crack me up…folks at the office will think i’m crazy.
    if its any consolation i have a similar fear of dogs – but i’ve never driven through a fence or a wall. i have ended up in weird places so that the dog would not get me.

    • Happy I could make the work day flow a little easier!
      Weird places huh??? I think we’re gonna need for you to tell us more. Just how weird???

  2. OMG…I’m glad you’re okay. Now, to more important things…LOLOLOLOLOL. I don’t like cats either, but I’m not necessarily afraid of them. I hope the nasty panther that scared you so badly never returns to your neighborhood again. Poor baby, lol.

    • Jewelry made from cat fur???? Ya’ll already know that I’m curious as h*ll about every dang thing, but I cannot, for my own safety and those around me, click that link.

  3. OMG!! You really have issues!! Why didn’t you feel safe in the car? You were safe in the car TDJ!!! You coulda circled the block a couple of times. But you went ham!! This is…man I dont know…CRAZY!!

    • I know, I know. It’s deep man! Logically? Sure, I could have run his azz over. But at that moment, there was not an ounce of logic to be found.

  4. There is no sex in the champagne room? Then who was that I had sex with? Just kidding! I kid I kid.

    I do not take pleasure in your misery but I sure did laugh at this one. That is quite a fear you have there. I mean, driving into a building at the sight of a cat is quite an extreme reaction. But it sure does make for a funny story.

    Between this story and the time your friend was flung from your car in high school, I’m beginning to think you have some sort of negative relationship with cars. LOL.

    So when you get on Amazing Race and there is a cat-related challenge, I guess your partner will have to take one for the team? LOL.

    • LOL @ me having bad juju when it comes to cars. Girl, if you only knew! I definitely have a few more car stories to tell.
      And yep, on AR, my partner would certainly have to handle that. if I was duped into it unknowingly, I fear for all those in the vicinity when I discover the feline involvement.

    • It’s deep girl, but I can join you in laughing about it! Carry on!
      I can only imagine being a fly on the wall for some of my antics.
      Heck, maybe there is somebody out there blogging about “this crazy chick that lives near me and freaks out every time she sees a kitten!”.

  5. As someone who once drove her car into a ditch because she thought there was a rat in the car I have no room to laugh at your irrational fear and subsequent property damage.

    But I will anyhow….bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

    (and I guess there’s no need for me to check out the champagne room since nothing’s going on!)

    • Not into a ditch!!! LOL! See, I knew that someone amongst you would understand me! But, um, yeah. That ish is funny too!!

      See??? Aren’t you happy I didn’t let you waste your time hanging in the champagne room???

  6. I am trying not to get fired right now! This is hilarious! You should hear about my fear of lizards, rivals your with cats. Lions, panthers…LOL!

    • Thank you for understanding!!! And of course, the laughter is fine! It’s comical.
      Yeah, I don’t necessarily like lizards, but they don’t scare me.

  7. I’m doing my darnedest to think of something nice and soothing to say, but – unfortunately – the hysterical laughing going on inside my head is preventing that. There is a piece of my brain that is thinking you should probably get to that therapist because we don’t want to hear about you crashing into anything else because of this. Glad you’re okay and thanks for being such a great storyteller and have a chuckle at your expense.

    • Don’t worry, I’m laughing along with everyone too! I suppose therapy might bring some stories worth telling too. And somehow, deep in the back of mind, I just KNOW that my son is going to want a kitten. I can just FEEL it coming.

    • Good point re the eyes! Totally unrelated – I had a college roommate who slept with her eyes OPEN. Freaked me out for the entire semester and I begged my parents to spring for a single room. They declined and I was forced to sleep with a sleeping mask on for the rest of the year.

  8. STOP THE MADDNESS! Did you really hit the side of a building…over a cat OUTSIDE your car. I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. Seriously. If you want free therapy, I can give you the whole immersion/intervention treatment out here in the wilderness where you can run into trees & bushes sans car and in the safety of knowing that I will be there to save you from Socks & Rebel (The Steptoe Mountain Lions).

    I’m so glad that you are okay. but ummm, take me up on the free therapy sessions. You can scream out here all you want and nobody will hear or see you. LOL.

    • I did, I did! Girl, a scene from Cujo flashed in my head and I just lost it!
      Hmm, I’ll let you know if I’m ever ready for the Steptoe folks to “cure” me.
      **whispering** Ain’t no way in h*ll!!! **lol**

  9. Since you were unscathed in the above said incident I’m guessing it’s ok for me to laugh my A@% off right now. I feel bad for laughing because I feel your pain. I have the same phobia when it comes to birds. I’d be quite happy if all the “King Daddy Lions” you write about ate ALL of those little nasty creatures. UGH!!!

    I’m sorry but I don’t see how bringing your fear into a therapy session can be beneficial to anyone. Let me know how that works out if you ever decide to do it….but I foresee disaster. Lol

    • Yes ma’am! ‘Tis fine to laugh as much as possible. Hope you shared with hubby as in the past. LOL @ all the lions eating the birds! Sounds like a great plan to me. I don’t dislike birds, but it’ll help with your fear? They’re outta here!

  10. I would laugh but to this day I still have two scars on my arm from when you grabbed me to protect you from that cat…..totally ruined my chances of a modeling career<<<<delusional!

    • Oh hush! I didn’t even pinch you all that hard. I mean seriously, you didn’t need any blood to circulate to that arm. Sorry for destroying all your hopes and dreams.

    • As sad as it is, HELL YEAH!! Well, let me clarify. You could TRY to force me and I would agree based on fear and duress, but I can’t guarantee that I couldn’t just pass the heck out.

  11. Like everyone else, I’m glad that you weren’t hurt. I don’t have a fear of cats, but I am allergic to them. Lucky me, Librarians seem to LOVE cats. Everytime that I’m tested for allergies, my reaction to cats is the most severe.

    • LOL @ librarians loving cats! I have the feeling that my son is going to love all animals, so I think that I’ll be “developing” an allergy for them as well.

  12. Meow! LMAO! I couldn’t resist. So dressing up as Catwoman for Halloween is out of the question, huh?

    That is a serious fear if you’re killing fences and apartment buildings over something that you could have just run over with your car. Wondering if I have a fear that intense. Hmmmmm…….

    In other news, you need to be on Twitter! I was dying at work reading this and I can’t comment from my work computer but I can access Twitter. We would have had the topic of the day with this blog!

    Twit-ter! Twit-ter! Twit-ter!

    • Out of the question! Lawd, and if I were to open the door to a trick or treater dressed like that, I’d just die! LOL @ killing fences! Ya’ll are really going hard with this twitter offense!

  13. Girl!!! I seriously almost choked on my bagel this morning Messing with you….Really a huge grey and white Panther???AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! You are seriously too funny….And Yes you are not mistaken as one who doesn’t morph cats into Large Game animals… there are a LOT of felines roaming the District of Columbia…Be well lady…

  14. Whew…so glad to hear (well…read) that you didn’t suffer from any major injuries. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over in the corner laughin’ my @ss off.

    Bwahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha

  15. Bwahahahahaha. I can’t with you. Somebody ought to give you a book deal. If they do please fill with short stories just.like.this. Fool!

  16. Pingback: The Danger of Imaginary Friends | Just Another Day with MrsTDJ

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