I Can’t Go For That

DiamondDiva has been my bestie for almost 20 years.  19 years and 8 months to be exact.  She and I met as teenagers, and we’ve grown into women together.  We’ve ushered each other through crushes, first loves, break ups, makes up and broken hearts. We’ve cheered loudly through graduations, promotions, new cars, new houses, marriages, pregnancies and cross country moves. We’ve cried together over broken hearts, broken promises, divorces, layoffs and deaths. We’ve made it through hard conversations where we’ve had to detail our misgivings about a partner, we’ve disagreed on how we’ve felt the other should have responded in certain situations, and we’ve had a few fights. We’ve both answered the phone at exactly the moment that the other needed to hear our voice the most.  Sometimes, our best conversations have had very few words.  I like to say that DiamondDiva and I are the kind of bestie’s that “Know where the bodies are buried, and when it’s time to move them to a new hiding spot“.

I’ve been kicking around a post about friendship, trust and loyalty for a few months.  A few discussions in blogland and within my email listserve have disturbed me.  Or rather, they’ve made me realize just how special my relationship with DiamondDiva really is. And honestly?  I feel a little sad for anyone who hasn’t experienced a friendship like ours.  I’ve been in the minority when discussing friendships issues related to one’s BFF.   A scenario regarding your significant other traveling to the state your BFF lives in and staying in her home puzzled me, as most people were vehemently opposed to such.  Wow.  A scenario where your BFF called in the middle night and just didn’t sound right, elicited responses of, “She’d better get to the point” and “Somebody better be dead”.  Wow.  Then yesterday, my radio landed on the Micha.el Ba.isden show by accident.  Truly by accident.  But, I was compelled to listen for just a few moments.  A caller indicated that her BFF was to be married at the end of the week, and the caller has personally witnessed her BFF’s fiancee and her maid of honor getting frisky in a hotel parking lot.  Sweet lawd!!  The caller was torn as to speak up or not.  The conversation then shifted to if this was your bestie, would you tell?  **smh**  Most folks said no.

Wow. I’m stunned ya’ll.  I don’t live under a rock and I’m certainly not naive.  I know that matters of the heart are tricky, and I’m never one to stick my foot into a precarious situation without evaluating that thang every which way but loose.  I guess I just don’t get it.  What’s the point of having a BEST friend if there’s no trust, honesty and loyalty? What exactly does friendship mean to ya’ll? Who da hell are folks surrounded by?  What’s the point of having a bestie or a real inner circle, if you can’t trust them with your ish???

DiamondDiva knows that I’m here for her and vice versa.  There’s no conversation we can’t have, no matter how uncomfortable.  There’s no phone call too long or too short, too late or too early.  I trust her with my with my son, my husband, my heart, my wallet and everything in between.  There’s simply no way in hell, I’d allow her to marry a fool who I personally SAW liplocking with a hooch and not say a word.  Nope, not on my watch.  Willfully watch my BEST friend enter into a marriage with information that she needs to know?  Nah, I just can’t go for that. Obviously what she chooses to do with the info is up to her, but there’s no way on earth I’m gonna keep mute.

What about ya’ll?  Do you have a bestie or BFF?  I mean a proven, true blue, friend of your heart.  Could you, or would you keep a life altering secret from that person?   If so, please, please explain your reasons to me.  Talk to me about what’s in your heart and mind.  I really, really want to understand a different perspective on this.


53 thoughts on “I Can’t Go For That

  1. I’m with you Mrs. TDJ!!! My Bestie and I are like yours.. and it would be without hesitation that I’m spilling the beans in the situation AFTER I whoop him and the maid of honors arse!!! My bestie and I are ride or die.. we’ve been friends for 25 yrs and going.. and sometimes we will go days or a week or two without actual phone conversation but always a BBIM shout daily.. from good morning to hold ya head up ma.. whatever is necessary.. A lot of those same conversations had me thinking the same thing.. and I’m THANKFUL for my relationship with my bestie.

    hugs to ya

    • LOL @ whooping their tails! Yep, you guys sound like us. Isn’t it a beautiful thing?
      I’m so serious about wanting to understand those that don’t have these types of relationships. I really am.
      I’m oh so very thankful for bestie too!

  2. I totally envy people like you who have best friends. I honestly don’t have anyone that I rely on like that but I’d like to think that if I did, that I’d be able to share everything and that we’d be totally and completely honest with each other.

    • To me, I can’t imagine having someone so close, yet so far away.
      Aww, hugs sis! I’m happy that we’re at least blog buddies. You’re so awesome!
      Curious – Have you ever had a best friend?

      • I haven’t had a best friend since I was a kid but I’ve had good friends. Right now I’m in the middle of that “dry spell” where I don’t really have any friends because most of my time is spent working, running kids around, etc. Omg, how sad does that sound? LOL

  3. I have to co-sign with you on this one. I just don’t get it either. My TOP Mafia BFF has the exact same relationship as you describe above. She can call me anytime and vis versa. I don’t have any pre-set rules that would be considered a breach of protocol in our relationship and I too wouldn’t DARE let some kind of bytchassedness go by without speaking up…Like you said, she can do what she wants with the information, but I’m not going to let her walk down the path to hell unarmed.

    I side eye’d a lot of those comments. If that is how you regard and treat someone you consider your BEST FRIEND, then, DAMN, I’d hate to see how you do friends and “frociates”. Interesting.

    • Your last statement is where I was gonna take this, but I couldn’t quite get my words together, so I pulled back.
      Great minds think alike! =)
      I simply can’t understand the rules.

  4. I can’t go for that either!!! My BFF is so for a reason and if it ain’t trust, she must not be that great. But she is. Get to the point?? Yeah right. I had a 9am talking off the ledge text convo with her just the other day. (That’s early for me… esp. since I went to bed after 4 that morning.) You’d better believe IF I KNEW something was going down, I would shut it down!!!! If we don’t ride for each other, who will?

  5. I have had BFF’s over the course of my life but really don’t have one now. I have always been the one who has been there 150% for others but it never comes back my way. I get used and abused. I have found my 16 year old daughter to be my BFF and vice versa. I know it sounds odd but she and I have this special bond that is unreal. I also have gotten very close with a blogger I have “known” for 3 years although we have yet to meet in person. She has truly been there for me and I even keep a card she gave me last year taped to my desk to remind me who is genuine in my life.

    It’s great that you have such an amazing BFF in your life! 😉

    • It actually doesn’t sound odd to me at all re your daughter or the blogger.
      Over the years, I’ve gotten to know a few bloggers and consider a few to be friends.
      I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt by friends in the past. It’s horrible when it comes from any direction, but absolutely earth shattering when it’s from a supposed best friend.

  6. In such a situation, some think the BFF will shoot the messenger, or irrationally resent her more than the scumbag. I think those people are only thinking of themselves and not their BFF. I also think those people’s BFFs are in name only and don’t have the kind of relationship true BFFs have.

    Personally, I would want to know from any source, my BFF or the valet in the parking lot. A true BFF would not watch her best friend enter a life altering marriage without sharing the facts with her. No secrets with BFFs, whose relationships are sacred. You watch each other’s backs in every situation life throws at you. That is friendship.

    Now that I’ve voiced my opinion, I have to say I’m a little hurt, Taya. I thought I was your BFF. I mean, who saw you through the horror of AERA? (Just a little levity)

    Love ya!

    • Often times, yep, the messenger gets caught in the crossfire. But as you said, who is this really about?
      I think that’s a chance you’ve got to be willing to take for your bestie.
      Bwhahaha! You’re know you’re my special girl! =)

  7. Hmmmm. I guess hit dogs should holler so I will. I was one of the folks who said that my BFF should get to talking should she call me and wake me up out of a dead ass sleep. And I stand by every word, because we have that type of relationship. That’s how we roll. And I would expect her to say the same thing to me. If I am waking her up in the night because it’s an emergency on my part, I don’t believe that the onus is on her to be Psychic Cleo at 3AM. She’s not going to drag my issue out of me and I don’t expect her to. That doesn’t mean she isn’t my bestie, it means that we talk straight with each other. And we’ve been close friends for over a decade. I would ride with her till the bitter end.

    Everyone’s friendship relationships are different. What works for you, isn’t going to work for me and that’s OK. Different strokes for different folks.

    • Yes, I agree that all friendships are different, just as all love relationships are different. Can we agree that some tenets of the good ones are love, trust, and honesty?

      I guess my point with this post is that while I see that the dynamics inside of a specific friendship may be different, the general tone that I’ve been reading lately has been one that I just don’t understand. People have been very vocal about their distrust of their friends, and their sense of irritation over being “bothered” by their bestie. Although I wasn’t jabbing at you, your comment was one that surprised me. As I said, I really, really just want to understand. I suppose I just don’t see how the needs of a proven, tried and true BFF could be dismissed, even if the call were at 3 in the morning. I wouldn’t WANT to get up, but I couldn’t NOT get up if it’s my BFF. I’d WANT her to get to the point, but if she didn’t I wouldn’t push her or feel like I was pulling teeth or playing Miss Cleo.

      The phone call scenario really wasn’t the part that prompted my post; it was the call to the radio show. The phone call scenario just helped me round out and illustrate the relationship that I have with my bestie. I’m glad that it works for you and your BFF. That couldn’t work for me and mine. Obviously neither you nor I can know the depth of either friendship based on a few words that we’ve each typed. I guess our perception is just different. I appreciate you responding TIH.

  8. I can totally relate to this post. Call me naive, but I do trust my BEST friend with my man and vice versa. If I didn’t trust either of them completely they would not play the role that they do in my life. They both have a lot of access to me and my personal life that requires implicit trust. Honestly if I am wrong about either of them, then they will both just have to make a fool out of me ! LOL
    My BFF of almost 14 years can definitely call me at any hour of the day. I can always sense that something is amiss, so it would not take much for me to get it out of her or decide to just put on some clothes and show up. Trust me she has done the same for me in the past, just hearing the tone in my voice or other times when she could not get me on the phone & knew something was wrong. We have both been through some life altering ish together and I recognize the signs when its serious. We have always shown the appropriate amount of respect for our relationships and past marriages, but honestly the significant people in my life know the depths of our friendship and respect it.
    I am lucky in that my boyfriend has some very significant friendships of 20 years and I have come to understand the weight of these friendships, so this is not an issue that we would have.

    • These two sentences right here could be pulled from my brain and heart:
      “If I didn’t trust either of them completely they would not play the role that they do in my life”
      “Honestly if I am wrong about either of them, then they will both just have to make a fool out of me”

      Exactly! I’m open 24/7 like a 7 11 store for my BFF and she for me. Both of our S/O know and understand it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. No wait, scratch that – I couldn’t have it any other way!

  9. When I was 19(or so long ago, ) I was on the bus and saw my BFF’s BF standing a bus stop on the opposite side of the street. They looked real cozy. I was on my way to work and this was way before cell phones, pagers, or any of those things. I was going to call her when I got home from work and tell it all.

    When I got home from work, he had told on himself. He knew that I was telling it all, he just beat me to the punch.

    • Whew, you took me back to a time without devices and having to wait to talk to someone! *lol*
      That’s exactly what I’m talking about! It almost seems like there are more people willing to turn a blind eye, than there are folks willing to be REAL friends.
      Thanks for stopping by!!

  10. My bestie and I are like freaking identical twins! We know what the other is thinking. We finish each others sentences. We dress alike a lot by accident. That’s how close we are. I tell her everything as she does me. I trust her with my life. I can’t imagine knowing something life changing for her and not telling her. I just can’t. I do understand that people and relationships can be a little touchy at times, but its your duty to be a friend and tell them the truth. I know people who wouldn’t tell their friend such information but that’s just not me. And that’s not just with my bestie, its with anyone I love or value. If I don’t care much about you, then more than likely I could care less , I’m just being real.

  11. I’ve had a few… 3 to be exact. I consider myself a true blue ride or die best friend.
    The first two proved themselves unworthy, the first one(preschool -12) by the dreaded no no, sexing a then boyfriend (both completely cut out of my life and dead to me!) and the other by to many infractions to name! LOL!

    My latest friend was not use to being a friend, because she never really had one until she met me. She told me this! She had encountered untrustworthy women too, but we had things in common that drew us together, for example church. We have grown into really good friends and are finally supporting each other like good friends should. It has taken 6 years to get here but I’m glad she is in my life.

    Based on my experiences with past “friends” I’m not shocked by the things you mentioned in your post. It’s sad that you are in the minority, but you truly are blessed to have such a long term BFF.

    • **sigh** Sorry to hear about the first three, but very happy to hear that you have a great friend in your life now. Great that you guys have allowed the friendship to grow. It does take time to establish deep and abiding trust. I’m blowing beautiful friendship dust on that relationship! =)

  12. My twin sister and I are just like what you described. There is nothing that will stop me from coming to her rescue when she needs me. I would go to hell and back wearing a pair of gasoline soaked panties for her. That said….I wouldn’t keep my mouth shut if I saw her man smooching or even getting cozy with another woman. Not only would I let it be known that he’s been seen but I wouldn’t hesitate to let her know. If she were to get mad at me, I would have to just plain face it. That’s what friendship truly is all about.

    • Say that Simone!! To hell and back with gasoline drawers! I concur wholeheartedly! Isn’t it a beautiful thing to know that she feels the same way about you?

  13. I don’t have a best friend. I have many best cousins and good girlfriends.

    A person in need does not have to be my friend for me to show compassion towards them. I’d take a call from an enemy in the wee hours. I don’t have trouble getting back to sleep so it’s not a big deal.

    I look at how people drive and realize there is a lot of heartlessness and human disconnect. Drivers won’t slow for pedestrians. People don’t see human life, they see human nuisance. Move B, get out the way!

    As for the wedding scenario, i think sisters, 1st cousin or best friends serve as maid of honor. If the caller was best friend why is she not maid of honor? Perhaps the maid is the bride’s sister?

    Maybe that is why she chose silence and how does a person not know their maid of honor gets down like that?

    • Great point. Although I specifically wrote about best friends, I agree that I’m open to most. Anyone who has my #, whether we are friends, colleagues, family members or internet buddies should know that they can call when in need. If I can help, I will.
      Hmm, not sure about the status of the caller from the show. I do think it’s totally possible not to know that the maid of honor was getting down with the fiancee. People are quite skillful at keeping parts of themselves hidden from view.

  14. I have never had that true best friend relationship so I can’t entirely relate. But I want one. And I know that I would be the kind of friend you mention in the post. Full disclosure. If they are your TRUE friend, of course I would tell her any and every matter for their betterment. I want a bestie…*sigh*

  15. I do not have a best friend. Haven’t for a very long time. It makes me sad sometimes, but it is what it is. I do think I’m a good friend to a number of people and if they need me, I’m there. I don’t know if the reverse would be true.

    I trust my husband and I trust the people I consider friends, so I don’t get a lot of the scenarios/responses. If some girl (are we still girls? woman, whatever) wishes my husband happy birthday or asks him for help with a flat tire or whatever I really, truly do not care. It is just not in my nature to run up behind or constantly check on anyone. If I “have” to do all of that? He and I are definitely not going to be together.

    It’s funny you should mention the cheating thing – my friend from college called me this weekend and asked me if I’d want to know and if I’d tell. My answer was yes in both cases. If someone saw my husband doing something dead wrong, I’d like to know and if I saw a friend’s husband doing wrong – I’d tell ’em. Not to be messy, but because I would think they would want/need to know.

    • Aww man, another of my good buds without a bestie. I don’t like it.
      Exactly! I shake my head often at the scenarios and the responses they illicit. Waaaaaaay to much “what if” to worry about. Who wants to live like that? My relationships (love or friendship) can not exist in a police state. TRUTH –> “If I “have” to do all of that? He and I are definitely not going to be together.”

  16. Okay, that’s it….you have solidified our friendship with this post! I can’t agree with you more. However I have come to understand that not everyone has the same definition or expectations of bestfriendship as I do. I know plenty of folks who don’t even believe in having a best friend or (what I consider a true) signicant other or partner because they feel the only person that they can trust 100% is themselves. *shrug* I’m sorry, I just can’t live my life that way.

    • High five girl! I just KNEW you would be in tune with this. And even when we’re not talking about besties, the bond and connections that you make with people at times is just natural and you know that it’s real. We were raised with similar teachings, so we get IT and we get each other. Agreed –> “I just can’t live my life that way”

  17. Nope, I would definitely say something. Good grief. What are best friends for? To save, to help, to hold, to comfort, to love, to be honest with, etc., etc., etc.! I’m always amazed at what people say on those radio stations. These folks don’t really know what a true friend is and have no clue about love.

    • Exactly! Any friend, especially a BFF, who didn’t say something should be ashamed of themselves. Period.
      I also think that people on the radio like to say cheeky and controversial things (just like folks in blogland) in an attempt to grab the spotlight.

  18. I totally agree!
    Me and mines been together for YEARS as well and I am fortunate to have two! they are sisters more than anything else and I love them and they love me…we keep it 100 good bad and ugly. Its a blessing in life to have such a sistahfriend/bff like that!

    and those folks, as mentioned in your blog, don’t know what being a real friend is

  19. My best friend and I have been friends for 26 years and I trust her with my life and my husband. I consider her more of a sister than a friend and sad as it is, I’m actually closer to her than my own sister. Lol

    I hear people say all the time that they wouldn’t trust their friends with their man, money, kids, etc. My thoughts on that are if I don’t trust you 100% then I damn sure WILL NOT consider you a friend and you WILL NOT be in my life.

    Oh, and let me find out my friends man, husband, S.O is being foul and I actually catch him in the act…..OH IT’S ON!!!! Lol

    • THIS –> “My thoughts on that are if I don’t trust you 100% then I damn sure WILL NOT consider you a friend and you WILL NOT be in my life.”
      I don’t get that. I’m not living my life in fear of what those around me MIGHT do. Evaluate folks, choose wisely and pray for the best. If ish happens, learn from it and move on.
      Oh yeah, and I’m definitely going to be riding on that fool with my homegirl!! *lol* It’s ON!!

  20. MRSTDJ…. Girl i happened to hear the same thing…Thank you so much for giving me a platform….
    **drags out my soapbox**
    I was mortified at the amount of people that said they wouldn’t tell…OK so first of all let me lay this down for you…. I am not one that calls a lot of people my friends anyhow… because friends means something to me… It means we can go to the end… Yes I know and like a lot of people and they like me too but would i borrow money for them… loose sleep for them… nope… nope I would not… SO My Friend, MY BEST Friend is about to marry a man that I saw with these two eyes, kissing and fondling another chicken…. WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE MATRON OF HONOR??? NAW…..(excuse my vernacular) but NAW!! I would have to say something… You just don’t let stuff like that happen…. Sorry to get so long winded on your blog lady… but that mess struck a cord with me…. I mean how can you possible live with yourself after that…ughh… some people… smh *putting soap box away*
    Great Post Lady.

    • Ugh! You heard it too????? I was FLOORED!!
      Not a stranger, not even a close friend, but a BEST friend. Man, hell to the naw! I just can’t comprehend how any person could actually be ok with that. Flip the script and I bet they’d damn well want to know.

      Feel free to be as long winded as you want, anytime you feeling strikes. *lol* Your soapbox is always welcome!
      Bring pie next time! =)

  21. Dang, it has been that long, you could have at least said we met when we were in kindergarten, lol!
    Gosh, after reading the previously posted comments, it made me realize more that what we have is very special and unfortunately rare. I guess I always thought most women had what we got, because I know my life would be different, not in a good way, if I didn’t have you. What I love about MrsTDJ’s and my friend/sistaship is that we are the total opposite on most things like music, best skills, fashion, sometimes politics, taste in men (LOL, whew some stories here), yet we love and respect one another always. We can compromise so seamlessly it is second nature, lol, we need to bottle it up and sell it! Even with the physical distance, I feel closer to her every day, that is the nice part (not gray hair) about aging learning the true value of your relationships.

    What DiamondDiva knows about Best Friends:
    If you can’t talk to your best friend about EVERYTHING then she really isn’t your best friend. If you can’t trust your best friend to be around your MAN, then she isn’t your best friend. If you can’t be you with your best friend without feeling like you are being judged, she isn’t your best friend. If you don’t have access to your best friend at all times, guess what…She ain’t your best friend! Those are the things that make her THE BEST and not just a homegirl, an associate, a friend or someone you kick it with at happy hour. And I dayum well expect that if she saw my man with another woman, she better let me know, that is after she has finished kicking his azz so I can finish up the job!

  22. First, If I’m the BFF, I should be the maid of honor LOL…
    Second, I do have this kind of relationship with a friend who has been like a sister to me and I would never keep something like this from her. I only wish I knew her since I was a kid. We’ve been close friends for about 13 years.
    Third, I would tell it even if it wasn’t a BFF. If I can call you my friend I’m telling it! 🙂

  23. Pingback: A May December Kinda Thing « Just Another Day with MrsTDJ

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