If You Ain’t First, You’re Last

The temp that is working in my office is a moron.  No, seriously, stop laughing.  I mean it.  She is more pleasant than any other human that I have ever encountered, yet she does not comprehend that she doesn’t have the capacity to perform even the most basic administrative tasks.   Even her smile is starting to work my last good nerve.  I think she’d be much better as a Walm.art greeter.  It’s almost the holiday season, so I’m sure they’ll be looking for workers. (Don’t anyone dare send me an email about offending the mentally challenged or the differently abled!  I’m not in the mood!)

I mentioned a few weeks ago that my office is in a man down times 3 situation.  Our staff of 5 went to 2 and the workload hasn’t changed.   We’re in a transition period so for various reasons, we are unable to hire new staff to fill the vacant positions.  Our only option was to see if any contract worker in another department, within our agency, was up for grabs.  Well, lo and behold, one program area volunteered Bambi.  That’s the nickname I gave her because whenever I try to explain a task, she freezes and her eyes get big like a deer caught in the middle of the road.   **side eyeing the hell outta that that program area** Any way, after two days, I realized that she was not going to be any more help than my 15 nephew.  At best, I was hoping that she could do some of the simple, yet important functions that I’m too busy to do.  You know, like answer the phone and take messages???????

I see ya’ll laughing and shaking your heads.   Stop being mean MrsTDJ and stop exaggerating is what some of ya’ll are thinking. I’m not!!  Obviously I need to provide at least one example.  Fine.  What, you thought I wouldn’t have any?   I’m only going to give you one, because any more would make this post too long to read.  Maybe I’ll give you another later in the week.

I’m a meeting and event planner. Not sure if I’ve ever told ya’ll that.  And of course the fall is my busiest season.  I used to be able to rely on one of the girls that left to do all my administrative stuff in preparation for the day off my meetings.  She copied agendas, created packets, printed badges, etc.  Instructing Bambi on these tasks has been oh so tedious.  But, with lots of instruction, she’s been able to get it.  Except for the badges.  They threw her for a loop.

I thought the task was simple and my directions clear, but alas, the results did not reflect those assumptions.  I provided her with a computer generated, alphabetized list of registered attendees and a matching computer badge file (6 per page).  I asked her to a) print the badges, b) tear them apart, c) place them in plastic badge covers, and d) keeping them in alphabetical order, inset them into badge boxes for registration/check-in the morning of the event.

I knew something was wrong when she hadn’t checked in with me in two days.  Usually she’s begging me for work four to five times a day.  Two days without a peep meant that something was up.  There were less than 200 people on the list.  No way should the task take two days.  On the third day, I walk over to her desk and here’s the conversation:

MrsTDJ:                Hi Bambi, just checking in.  How is the badge project coming along?

Bambi:                  Well, I’m almost done, but it’s taking me forever.  **grinning**

MrsTDJ:                **raised eyebrow** Really?  Did you encounter a problem?

Bambi:                  Well, you see, everything was out of order, so it took a while to fix them all.

MrsTDJ:                **confused and frowning** Hmm, the file appeared to be fine when I emailed it to you.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

Ya’ll, I opened the box and I was truly perplexed for a minute.  I saw, Anthony Wang, followed by Avery Tucker, followed by Bill Elliot and Bing-xue Cai.  I actually cocked my head to the side and almost scratched my temple in confusion. Who in the hell alphabetizes by first name? Really??????  Seriously?????   Secondly, they were ALREADY ALPHABETIZED IN THE PROPER WAY.  She had to mess them all up, then redo them incorrectly.  Seriously????

Bambi:                  **reddening in the cheeks as a result of me NOT being able to fix my face, all the while smiling like a court jester** Is something wrong?

MrsTDJ:                Bambi, the file I sent you was in alphabetic order, by last name and I asked you to KEEP them in that order.  Why did you decided to change the order?  And before you decided to change it, since I gave you specific instructions to KEEP them in the same order, perhaps you should have checked with me?   **trying not to jump across the desk and smack this idiot across the forehead**

Bambi:                  **gulping loudly** Oh, um, well, I didn’t know, or rather, I didn’t know and well, I thought that I was helping.  Sorry!  Ok, I can fix them, but it will take me a day or so.

MrsTDJ:                **sighing loudly** Bambi, it shouldn’t take you longer than two hours.  Use the computer generated registration list and put them in exactly the same order as they are on that list.

Bambi:                  Gosh, you just saved me so much time.  Thanks!

Exasperation does not begin to explain how I feel regarding this chick’s presence in my office.  I had a come to Jesus meeting with my boss last week and told her that Bambi had to kick rocks or I was gonna lose it.  I’m working at 200% right now.  I’m logging on at home for 2 hours a night and I’m skipping lunch most days.  All of which I’m willing to do because January is evaluation time and I better get a freaking award I’m a dedicated employee.  However, I can’t do all that I’m doing and be IRRITATED and ANNOYED by Bambi.  I can’t keep wasting time explaining things three and four time to still have her fugg them up!  I just C.A.N.T.   Her last day will be November 12.  Pray that I make it without shanking her.

Ugh!  I feel a little better now that I have vented.  Have you ever dealt with a co-worker who just didn’t get it???  Have you ever had to supervise that person???  Have you ever had to fire someone???


36 thoughts on “If You Ain’t First, You’re Last

  1. Awwww TDJ. I’m sorry your helper sucks. She sounds like a true airhead. I have never worked with someone like that but I could see how that would be very annoying. Just hang in there. Nov 12 is right around the corner.

    • Airhead is sooooo putting it mildly. I’ve taken it back to the old school and I’m actually using a black sharpie to cross days off the calendar in anticipation of Nov 12. That date is circled in red with sparkles on the corners!!

  2. LMBO…sorry, I know it’s not supposed to be funny, but it is. She actually alphabetized by first name??? I almost can’t believe it. And, then she thanked you for saving her so much time…omg. That poor girl.

    • I can view the situation as if I was on the outside looking in and yeah, I can tell that it’s funny. But I sure ass heck wanted to rip her head off in that moment.

    • I’m unsure of the medical distinction, but I’m sure that she falls somewhere in the idiot, moron, imbecile range. I was really feeling sorry for her the first couple of weeks, but now I’m just too irritated.

  3. OMGeessh

    i know i shouldn’t be laughing at this but man oh man am i ever why because i too have had a bamboo a barbie and a whole bunch of others in my day!!

    these youngins know NOTHING…

    by first name CLASSIC

  4. ROTFL!!! You HAVE to give us an update!! Dead @ “I think she’d be much better as a Walm.art greeter. It’s almost the holiday season, so I’m sure they’ll be looking for workers.” LOLOLOLOL. I have been there my friend WISHING I had the authority to fire. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOSAH. Don’t make me remember.

    • Ha ha @ you WISHING you could fire someone! I bet that memory is still vivid as hell!
      Ok, I suppose ya’ll deserve to hear some of her other winning moments. I’ll write about a few of her other antics later this week.

  5. Please tell me you work in Oregon because I will definitely apply for the job! I have done the conference preparation, etc. over and over. I promise I won’t have the deer in headlights stare either. AND I know how to answer phones. Hit me up! 🙂

  6. “Gosh, you just saved me so much time. Thanks!”


    Even without the list you provided, it shouldn’t have taken her more than two hours to alphabetize some damn names. Good grief! I hope you are rid of her soon BUT I’m with Jameil. I want more stories….sorry. LOL

    • Seriously!! Two hours should have been enough. Chick was working on day 3! **SMH**
      And, since I love my readers, I am granting the wishes of you and Jameil!
      I’ll write more later this week.

  7. I am cracking up because I am also an event planner and know your frustrations. There are times when I almost lost it when the person who worked the front desk couldn’t figure out how to do a mail merge. I mean really, the program walks you through it step by step.

    SMH….and this too shall pass.

    • Ugh, girl, you understand my frustration first hand!! Wait, wait – couldn’t do a mail merge?? See, we are surrounded by them!!
      Yes ma’am. About 20 days to go!

    • Exactly!! She is SOOOOOOOO sweet and pleasant, and she wants to help and be valuable. But, it simply isn’t to be. My needs are pretty basic, but they exceed her ability and capacity.

  8. L……M……A…….O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HILARIOUS @ “gosh you saved me so much time”

    she was really about to just dump all the names out and then realphabetize intead of looking at the list and pulling each name as they appeared ont he list…LOLOL!!!

    I know she makes your brain just HURT!

    • You know she was!!!! I could visualize the future and realized that I needed to save her from herself!
      Yes girl, I’ve been leaving work every evening with stiff shoulders and an achy neck.

    • Hey lady! Sorry you had a hard time finding me. How do you normally attempt to keep up with blogs? Without my google reader, I’d be D.O.N.E!!
      Yeah, Bambi is a true nincompoop!! Wait until I tell ya’ll more!

  9. Omg! By first name? Really? How did you not throat punch her? I’m so sorry but I had to laugh. Wow. And you know the office y’all got her from is laughing like crazy.

    • I see those folks in the elevator and it takes all my self control not to pounce on them! They knew damn well that she was dumber than a box of rocks and were more than happy to unload his silly tail on us. Bastards!! Ugh, she almost got a throat punch after Friday.

  10. OK So I obviously Cannot read your blog whilst I am at work… I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard…..I will most def be stopping by on the regular… Happy Monday Lady 🙂

    • Thanks for coming by! Happy Monday to you too! Ok, you’d better not read her latest then. I can’t be responsible for anybody losing their job in today’s economy! *lol*

  11. You sure Bambi & your boss aren’t playing a cruel joke on you. ZCandid Camera, perhaps? As a secretary, temp or not, shouldn’t she know basic office procedures as far as correctly filing papers?


  12. Ok, I see why they were so quick to volunteer miss Bambi. They probably couldn’t wait to get rid of her incompetent butt. Who actually hires someone like that. I’m sorry, am I being mean? Oh poor you. She is serving NO purpose but to make your life more difficult. They may as well let her go now. SMH!

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