What Did Her 5 Fingers Say to My Face?

A couple of days ago, Monnie, asked her readers, “Did either or your parents ever hit you or snatch your azz up after age 18?”.   The first thing that came to my mind was the clip below from The Chappelle Show.  (Man, I miss that show!)

I gave a cliff notes version in response to her question, but here’s the whole story.

I was 20 years old and attending college about 2 hours from home.  MrTDJ and I were long distance dating at the time and he was still in the D.C. area.  I made plans to come home one fall weekend, after Friday morning classes.  Since there were so many peeps from the D.C. area, finding a ride home was never a problem.  Once my plans were set, a 2nd friend mentioned that he was going up on Thursday afternoon.  Hmm, the wheels in my head started to spin. If I went up Thursday afternoon, I could hang out with MrTDJ.  He had his own apartment, so I could spend the night at his place, then just go to my home on Friday evening like I had just arrived.  Don’t  judge me! Ya’ll were young once too!  Although we’d been dating for over two years, my parents didn’t play that staying over his house mess.  I was still a lady, their baby girl and our asses were NOT married.

In hindsight, I should have known that this plan was just too damn easy!!   My boy dropped me off in Alexandria at MrTDJ’s apartment.  Everything was smooth.  He and I went out for an early dinner, strolled the Alexandria waterfront, stopped by Blockb.uster (remember them??) for a movie and went back to his place.  As we fell asleep that night, I couldn’t recall a more perfect evening that we’d ever spent together.  **cue butterflies and romantic early 90’s slow jams**

Meanwhile, 2 hours south west in Charlottesville, VA

The shrill sound of a ringing phone stirred my roommate, Ding Dong, from her bed at 11:37pm.

Ding Dong:          Hello?

MamaTDJ:           Hi Ding Dong, how are you?  This is MrsTDJ’s mother.  May I speak to her please?

Ding Dong:          MrsTDJ?  Oh, she’s not here.  Didn’t she make it home yet?

**silence as MamaTDJ attempts to process Ding Dong’s response**

MamaTDJ:           Home?  She’s not supposed to be here until after classes tomorrow.

**ever eager to help, Ding Dong spills the beans**

Ding Dong:          No, she was able to get a ride today with someone else and she should have been there by now.

**silence as MamaTDJ begins to put the pieces together**

MamaTDJ:           Thanks Ding Dong.  You have a good night dear.

42 minutes later, Alexandria, back in the den of sin

MrTDJ and I are suddenly awakened by an incessant pounding on is apartment door.  We both jump up.  He heads to the front door, with me stupidly following behind him.  Because he’s still half sleep, he flings the door open without ever asking who it is.   (Note to MrTDJ – dude, you could have gotten us killed!  What if it was a criminal or something?  You did kinda live a stones throw from the hood!) Then he mumbles, “shit” and steps to the side so that I can see my parents standing there.  **gulp**

They enter the apartment without so much as a word.  I can see the veins bulging in my father’s forehead, so I don’t say a word either.  At that moment, I wished that I was in that carnival ride where you lean against the wall and the floor drops out from under you.  You know the one?  Gravity keeps you glued to the wall in the same way that fear was keeping me planted in place.  Yep, I wanted the floor to open and allow me to escape from this foolishness I had created.  Ugh!!  I wasn’t even the kind who normally tried to get away with stuff because I was pretty much a goody two shoes growing up.  I was scared as hell of my parents because they D.I.D.  N.O.T.  P.L.A.Y!


The silence was uncomfortable, but I damn sure wasn’t gonna say a word.  Then dumb azz, aka MrTDJ, says, “Hi Mr. and Mrs. TDJ.  Can I offer ya’ll some water?”  ***crickets***  Looking back, it’s funny as hell, but in that moment, it surely was not.   My father blinked several times before saying, “Son, it would be best if you didn’t speak again.” Ouch! And, for those that don’t know me personally, or have never met my father, he looks and acts like the police officer he is.  Growing up, everyone said that he sounded like Tone Loc when he spoke, but after the Mat.rix movies came out, most people say he sounds like Morpheus.  So, um, yeah, after that?  MrTDJ shut the hell up.

Finally, using one ounce of the good sense that I still possessed, I ran to the back of the apartment to hastily grab my bags and get back to the living room before DaddyTDJ killed MrTDJ.  All three were frozen in exactly the same spots when I returned.  Upon seeing my bags, DaddyTDJ touched MamaTDJ’s elbow and they headed for the door.  I made brief eye contact with MrTDJ before going out the door after them.  I’d never been more scared, embarrassed or ashamed than I was at that moment.  Above all, I saw disappointment on both my parents faces and that broke my heart.

Once outside the apartment, MamaTDJ spun around quickly and was in my face before I could react.  Through clenched teeth, she hissed, “Who are you?  Have you lost your damn mind?  Sneaking home from school to lay up in some apartment, acting like a two bit hussy.  We didn’t raise you like this!” I’ve never seen her so angry.  I recoiled at the word hussy because I couldn’t believe she had called me one.   In that moment, I had two thoughts – one was,   “I’m not a hussy!  I’m sorry I lied and disappointed ya’ll, but we’re in love.”  And the other was,   “Mama, please keep your voice down.  It’s late and you’ll wake up MrTDJ’s neighbors.”  Well folks, I’d like to say that I kept my silly mouth shut, but I didn’t.  Instead, I spoke.  But, my brain had a short-circuit or syntax error or something because I actually uttered the  second thought. ****smh****  I know, I know.  Da hell was I thinking???

My mother reared back and slapped the living ish outta meSo hard that the pain radiated through my nose and up into my eyesSo hard that a slight breeze stirred in the hallway from the path that her arm took. So hard that I had a bruise in the shape of fingerprints for about a day. Ouch!

So, yup, age ain’t nothing but a number as far as my parents are concerned. I’m 34 now, but I know good and well if I do so ish that deserves a slap or a thunk upside the head, they’ll damn sure do it.

What about ya’ll?  Ever had your parents check you as an adult?  Have you had to handle your adult children?

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37 thoughts on “What Did Her 5 Fingers Say to My Face?

  1. Another reason why I love your parents. They were the Huxtables AND they slapped kids! That is the perfect combination!! Ha! That’s what you get for being fast! LOL!! Y’all too much.

  2. Well Taya Mae…that’s what your fast tail gets for being so fast! LOL! You totally made my day with that story. I’m glad that you were raised by parents that cared about you because you will do the same with your kidS (when are you having some more BTW?). I’m also glad that you married Mr. TDJ or else your parents would STILL be talking about you. You should thank Mr. TDJ from graduating you from a hussie to a housewife 🙂

    This episode of yours was actually a good mix of the Cosby Show AND a Different World 🙂

    • I grew up in a strict household and I didn’t test them too much until I was in my 20s!
      LMAO!! I guess I should thank him. Is the sin of premarital sex is negated if you eventually marry the person?? Bwahahahaha!

  3. ahhh yes young love…i too have stories…when you said “hussy” i know that stung just like when my momma called me a heffa the first time! man oh man…words shoo do hurt

    • Man, she hurt my feelings something awful that night. I understand it now and I damn sure deserved it, but my little sensitive tail was crying up a storm that night. More from the disappointment and words.

  4. Girl, I’m gonna have to write my answer to this in a post because it’s just too long to leave here but let’s just say for a minute I thought we grew up in the same house. LOL My mom took my house key when I was 20 because I came in at 1 instead of “12:30 no later than quarter to 1.” I was in the Army, had a child and was living on my own for 2 years. I was visiting her house for the weekend and I was 15 minutes late. That was 17 years ago and I still do not have a key to her house. LOL

    • Please, please post about yours! Bwahaha @ your house key being taken at 20! You’re right – that sounds like something my parents would have done. The firm hand of strict parents. We are so blessed to have had it!

    • I forgot to tell you, I have people in Alexandria, Charlottesville and Buckingham ~ maybe your folks really are my folks. LOL

  5. Wow! I’m sorry to say that I laughed so hard as I recalled so many of my own college aged assaults by my mother, only difference your mom called you a “hussy” and mine called me a dirty slut! Again, we can laugh now but back then, we were shook!!!

    (How many us swore then that we’d never do that to our kids? Only now to have kids to share those same exact threats with!!)

    The cycle continues. smh

  6. I loved The Chapelle show and that clip still cracks me up! Very funny story! I like your parents too! That type of discipline is missing right now and it is so needed. I mean look at the kids! Look at them all wildin out and disrespectful. I want to get out my belt right NOW! LOL! Thanks for the share!

    • Man, I watch our Chappelle Show DVD’s all the time. That ish was hilarious for seasons 1 and 2. LMAO @ you getting your belt out. Yes, unfortunately, there are way less parents like mine nowadays. I’m sure we all know some, but we know way too many who are at the other end of the spectrum.

  7. LOL!! I can just imagine if my mother had caught me doing the same thing up until I got married, she would have slapped me too! It’s good to know there were other hard core parents out there other than mine!

    • Yes, there were/are definitely others. Not as many as I’d like to see, but definitely some. At least we know that our children will be raised up in the same way!
      Thanks for stopping by!

  8. My grandmother died when I was 15 (she was my caregiver) so I never got an “adult get right” but I saw her give my aunt and mom (who were both very much grown) at the time a “whoopin” with a switch because they were fighting each other. It was so funny. They were crying like they were two!

    Hugs and Mocha,
    Stesha

    • Haha! Good for her! Old school, strong handed parenting. In the moment, it’s a little scary and confusing, but I can’t imagine my life any other way. I will do the same for my son.

  9. OH NOOOOO!!!!!! Naw I steered clear of my mom after I moved out at 19…my dad was pretty laid back and i told him everything (mostly) and kept my mom out of the loop (they’re divorced)

    I haven’t had to check MJ yet aside from “don’t touch that, leave that alone, come back here.” he’s only 15 months…lol

    • Hey, I didn’t realize the boys had the same initials! My little MJ is 19 months and a little “pow pow” to his hand is it for now. But one day, I just know he’s going to test me.

  10. I hate it when a plan doesn’t come together!!!

    This is some sneaky ish straight up my alley! Been there, done that. Got caught and knocked the phug out for it. LMAO!!!!

  11. LOLOL!!! ROTFL @ Can I offer ya’ll some water? Polite while violating their daughter! So hilarious! My parents are so of the “You’re grown” mind. Phew!

    • That dude was sooooo funny! We laugh about that night all the time and he refuses to acknowledge that he said that. But now, many years later, my parents can laugh too and confirm, that yes, in the moment when my daddy could have killed him, MrTDH offered them us water!

  12. Girl, I’m sorry for laughing but I couldn’t help it. I know of the slap that you spoke of. The slap that echoes even to this day!

    Hope they now laugh about it. Poor MrTDJ. He offered them water?

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