Who’s Torturing Whom?

I don’t love animals. Tons of people seem to shy away from making such a statement, but not the kid.  There’s nothing wrong with not being a lover of animals.  I don’t hate them, I simply have no specific interest in them or desire to be around them.

Specifically, I’m terrified of cats.  Here’s the story about the one that tried to kill me.  During my childhood, I had the requisite puppy for a few years.  In case you didn’t hear the story, click here – I loved him for a minute, but I nah, I wasn’t super attached.  Later, my dad had a Doberman.  He was kinda cool, especially when I was young enough to take rides on his back.  *lol*  After he died, I was relieved to not have any more pets around. I have a few family members and friends with animals.  I avoid some and I can tolerate others.  I’ve even grown quite soft and fond of Creole in DC’s dogs, Lucy and Jaru.

Hubby has been applying gentle pressure to get a dog for about ten years.  Ha, me bow to gentle pressure?  I think not.  I’ve been shutting him down with the quickness.  However, now that Little MrTDJ is here and almost two years old, MrTDJ’s tactics have changed.  “Every boy needs a puppy.”   Ah nice move, tug on my heart strings a little harder why don’t you?  But nerp, still not gonna happen.  Little MrTDJ is my weakness but I won’t be swayed.  No animals.

Imagine my horror and dismay when I realized that a huge mouse/rat groundhog appears to be living in our backyard; or more specifically, under our deck.  I’m NOT amused.  I want it gone immediately.  MrTDJ laughed and said if we had a dog, it would keep the groundhogs away.  I told him to zip it and called DaddyTDJ for a solution.  I was hoping to bomb it, poison it, etc.  He said that we needed to trap it.  **crickets**  We??  Trap??  Did he really use those two words in the same sentence, as if I haven’t been his daughter for 34 years?  Um yeah, right.

So, ever resourceful, I called the Prince Georges County Animal Management Group.   ***sigh***  After calling repeatedly for three days, they finally answered the phone this morning.   They don’t consider groundhogs to be wildlife and no immediate assistance is available.  Say what?  It’s not our pet!  But here’s the kicker – if we trap it, they’ll come pick it up.

Yep, let me break it down.  We can either rent a trap, for 7 days, from the county at a cost of $25 or we can purchase our own from Ho.me De.pot.  The person I spoke too encouraged me to buy our own because groundhogs are tricky and usually it takes longer than 7 days.  Ugh!   Trap it?  She assured me that it would be kept alive in a “humane” trap.  Dude, you’re not helping.  I’d be fine if you killed the darn things.  I was already disgusted with the whole situation, when she started to break down the “trapping rules”.  Rules???????  GTFOHWTBS!

Groundhogs are omnivores, so traps should be set with fresh vegetables and fruit such as tomatoes, bananas, grapes, green peppers, etc. What?  I’ve got to feed this sucka?  You’ve gotta be kidding me.  Can’t he eat a little piece of  cheese or something?  A big hunk of peanut butter like the big mouse that he is?  Whatever.  I’m not feeding his ass any expensive fresh produce!

Groundhogs can only be trapped Monday-Friday, from 7am to 10pm.  No trapping between 10pm-7am, on the weekends and holidays. Um, how exactly does that work?  Once MrTDJ or DaddyTDJ set those bad boys, they are staying set until something is caught.  No, no, no, says the county.  Traps should be taken down each night, over the weekend and on holidays.  What?   County workers are off during those times, so yep, you’re not supposed to trap then.  They say that it’s cruel to the trapped animal to stay in the trap for long periods of time.  Wait, didn’t you just tell me to feed that joker? With all kinds of yummy, fresh produce in that trap, he can stay in there for a day or two until ya’ll come retrieve him.  He’ll be ai-ight!

So, this critter can come onto our back deck, knock stuff over, nibble our candle holders and placemats, eat holes in our otherwise maintained lawn and scare the living crap outta me at night, but I’ve got to try to trap him in the most humane way possible? Who’s torturing whom here? I don’t give a flying fig about the feelings of the groundhog.  I don’t want to even hear about that damn Phil seeing his shadow or not next year.  Get your ass outta my backyard and everything will be fine!  PG County can miss me with that “humane” BS.  This sucka has got to go.  I think I’m gonna try to find Pookie and ‘nem to see what they can do about our little problem.

Have ya’ll ever had a groundhog or other wild animal on your property?  Did it bother you?  How did you get rid of it?


35 thoughts on “Who’s Torturing Whom?

  1. BWAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!! I’m am DYING over here. MAD that I can’t laugh out loud in my cubicle of an office.

    We had to trap the cat and the 6 kittens that she had under my sunroom. Same damn rules.

    We got most of them…and then momma kitty decided to split and go over to my neighbors house.

    Remind me to put Socks & Rebel away when you come for a visit or you are going to be in for a surprise.

    • Man, those rules are some BS! Um yeah, for our friendship to remain intact, your cougars must be locked away when I visit. *lol* I don’t want to cause a scene at the TB estate!

  2. LOL…Hillarious. I’m not an animal lover either, but I let my daughter convince me to get the dang dog….I’m still working out the exit strategy.

    I also hate cats…alot. I think they’re evil..pure evil!

    • We are >>>>here<<<<< on cats being evil!! Ick!
      Good luck on getting out of a dog for your daughter. I'm gonna need you to blog about those conversations! Ha ha!

  3. I am definitely not an animal lover either. Your husband sounds just like mine about the dog. I DON’T DO PETS. He really wants one for the kids. I told him he could have a dog if it lives in a square fence in the backyard and he never comes inside and I never have anything to do with him. He doesn’t like those rules. But whateva!!!!

  4. I totally love your writing style! I get ready for a hilarious ride every single time. I’m cracking up laughing over here girl!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

    There was a raccoon that decided to live on my balcony/patio at an old apt. I put down bleach every night to deter him from living there, so he decided to stay up on the wall and jump from the trees. Oh gawd those things are scary and vicious! Animal control eventually got him. But I didn’t do the patio for awhile. Great post!

  5. This is too funny I love animals mainly dogs, cats not so much. There’s one that I’ve touched more than 3 times. His name is Tiger…you care. Okay, I’ve never seen a ground hog but when I lived in my grandmother’s old house an opposseum got in through a hole in the floor near the duct thingy for the dryer. It was one late night and my dog started barking like crazy. The area wasn’t great so I thought it was over for me. But after playing a few tricks with the lights I saw this ever so hideous creature up on the counter hissing at my chocolate Labrador. I first went and beat on a neighbors door but he was a truck driver and wasn’t home, then I called my parents. My mom said call the cops. My daddy said I lived in the boonies and they weren’t going to come. They both were on the other end of the phone laughing while I was terrified. Well some way he made his way back out of the hole. I tried to suffocate him with roach spray. I moved shortly after.



    • Ew, a possum?? Somebody take the wheel!! You actually came face to face with it? I don’t know that I could have ever re-entered that house.
      Bwahahaha @ you covering him with roach spray!! All chemicals do something, right?

  6. LOL! Funny post. I’d pretend like I didn’t know the rules and leave the trap out 24/7. Who’s going to tell on you – the rodent???

    I’m not big on animals/pets either. My dog ran away (or I accidentally left him outside overnight) after 11 years. I was glad when he left. Lovegirl wants a pet, but I just can’t think of any animal I’m willing to deal with on a regular basis.

    I am convinced there’s something vacationing in our attic. It comes and goes. Guess who’s not going to check it out? Riiiiight.


    I do NOT like pets at all and have no shame in expressing that. This is based on a childhood experience. I was riding my bike (5 years old) when a great big ol’ dog with wild eyes, one blue and one green, and long fanged teeth and evil growling sounds and 4.5 big feet reached up for me and, and, and. Oh never mind, I just don’t do pets even though with 4 chillun you get ’em anyhow.

    Be strong with the “NO” for the boy and his dog trick. BTW: Use metal dishes when you get the dog–lol

    • Ugh, see, I hate scary animals! And if they scare you bad enough as a child, you never get over it.
      Ha ha! You don’t think I have a chance, huh? You’re certain that there’s a dog in my future? =(

  8. I understand your position. I love dogs, but not enough to want to clean up after them. I once had a jack russel terrier. He was gangsta! He killed a possum and a snake in our garage in the course of a week! He also liked to find stuff and bring it to us! Uh no! He ran off or got picked up one night my daughter didn’t bring him in! All other animals I can do w/o. Especially mice and anything that looks like them. Two of daughters are ridiculously afraid of bugs and that is a insanilty you have never witnessed!

    • Oh gracious, see if a dog started bring other animal carcasses, I’d pass out!! My neighbor’s cat brings her dead mice all the time.
      Aww, sorry your girls are scared of bugs. Bugs are EVERYWHERE, so that must be hard!

  9. Sounds like some PG County ish….how are there hours for catching an animal? Do they have hours for writing you a ticket? Are the animal trap people on furlough? I say trap that dude and let him be…..

    • Man, I’m starting to have a hate/hate relationship with all things PGC. Hubby is headed to Hom.e Dep.ot today to buy the traps. They will be set 24/7 and his *ss will get caught day/night, weekend or Labor Day. Then, whenever PGC reopens, I’ll make that call.

  10. Oh my, you are quite the story teller! 🙂 You had me chuckling all over the place. I was with you with the animal and dog thing. My reason for not getting the kids a pet – dog or otherwise – is that I don’t need one more mouth to feed, not one more bill to have, not one more thing to take care of. Who would be left with the bulk of the work? Me. Nope. Not gonna happen.

    Yea, that groundhog has gotta go. They are crazy. Fresh fruit? What about rotten fruit? Only certain hours to trap, huh? What if you trap him Friday night at 10 p.m. – are you supposed to release him ’cause they just got off of work? That’s a little crazy.

    Wild animals? There was an opossum once. Scary ugly thing. There’s an owl who likes to sit outside of my window on some nights. I guess he passes through occasionally ’cause I don’t hear him all the time. The one time I heard him and looked out the window he scared me 1/2 to death by turning his head and zooming his big eyes on me. Lastly, were the variety of snakes that were around all of last summer. I haven’t really done anything to keep them away. Haven’t seen any snakes this summer, but also haven’t been in the yard as much.

    Good luck with your little furry rat… uh… groundhog!

    • Yes, yes, yes, how could I not mention the expense and responsibility?
      I’ve never seen a real owl. I think that would freak me out too. Snakes aren’t too bad, I just don’t want to touch them.

    • Yes, they do look like huge rats. The lady with Animal Control laughed when I said that, but I was dead serious.
      We’ll be feigning ignorance when he’s caught. *lol*

  11. I say get a dog. Mrtdj is right. Just in case your groundhog friend is out doing the wild thing with another one and plans to set up home in your yard, at least the dog will keep him and his fam on a long term vacation.

    Sheesh, the groundhog has more rights than a turkey on Thanksgiving!

    • Um, yeah, I think maybe a certain mail someone may have picked up a few boxes of poison INSTEAD of a trap when he went to Hom.e Depo.t and saw that the trap was $70. Bwahahaha!

  12. Girl, this post had me rolling, cringing and flashbacking. We had cats (7 of them) living in our garage and the SPCA wouldn’t come and get them. They told us we had to trap them and take them to the shelter. Are you friggin kidding me?

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