A Repost By Request: Somebody lead me to FedEx!

All this nonsense over a box. A package. A simple mail transaction from one person to another, from Ohio to DC. Aggravation, irritation and frustration, all layered into a ridiculous 2 hours spent at my local Post Office.This all started last Christmas. Hubby bought me a new radio that could play MP3 cds and is compatible with Sirius satellite radio. As soon as I opened it, I loved it.About 2 weeks after having it installed, I lost the remote control to the unit.

Ugh! I know you’re thinking, no big deal girl, just hit the buttons on the radio face. Well, I would if it had all the same buttons as the remote. But some brainiac decided that they needed to make a remote the size of my thumb and put two very important buttons on it: Mute (ATT) and Source. I’ve been stuck in MP3 mode for months. No FM radio, no satellite, just MP3’s. But, ya girl is a bit on the lazy side sometimes, so I suffered without the remote for a few months until finally two weeks ago, I talked to my pusher man, Ebay, and bought another remote for $11.

And here begins the foolishness.  The shipper informed me that the package was being sent United States Postal Service Priority Mail and that I should have it on April 20.  I checked the mail on April 20 – no package. I emailed the seller, who sent me a tracking #.  When I checked the package online, it indicated that the package was at my local Post Office. OH NO!! Instantly, I felt sick to my stomach, my head began to throb and a hot flush crept up my neck. Not my local Post Office at the intersection of Benning Road and Minnesota Avenue. Not the 10th rung of hell on earth. I couldn’t understand it – the package was small enough to fit in the mailbox. Why oh why was I being sent to the gas chamber?

A little info on my neighborhood: I live in DC, in a neighborhood that is starting to become gentrified, but it’s another 5-6 years coming. So, there are still abandoned buildings and drug dealers, mixed in with 400K homes and brand new condos. Get it?

So, I woke up early on 4/21 and headed down to the Post Office. This experience of picking up a package at the Benning Road Post Office may as well be a game of Roulette, or better yet, a game of Craps. As usual, the line is 20 people long and there is one person working. Freeze! Rewind that back TDJ. Did you say one person working, on a Saturday morning, at the Post Office? Yep, one person. And of all the reps it could be, you guessed it, the one with the McShittiest attitude. And ya’ll, I was just a little bit dead wrong. Why? Because I had a copy of my email from the seller, a printout from the Postal Service website saying that the package was there, but no pink package slip from my Postman. I know, I know. I brought fuel to the fire, but I didn’t have a choice folks. My lazy ass carrier has an aversion to leaving package slips.I listened to my hubby’s Ipod and let the time pass, as patiently as possible. I’ve got no choice but to wait. The P.O. is only open from 9-5pm on the weekdays, so that’s not an option. They only hold packages for 7 days, so if it arrived on 4/20, they would send that sucker back before I could get there again, on 4/28. Damn! I glanced at my watch and realized that I have been in line for over an hour. I tried my hardest to be on my best behavior.

Folks all around me were flipping out and showing their asses. One woman, bless her heart, lives on Southern Avenue in a new home and her mailbox has been stolen 3 times. Now get this – the carrier won’t leave the mail under the mat (as the customer has requested) and the Post Office claims they don’t have it. Huh? Her frustration bubbled over when she screamed, “Where the f*ck is my mail?” Not a fan of using foul language with customer service folks that don’t deserve it, but she deserved it. As Chris Rock says, “I’m not saying she was right, but I can understand.”

Ooh!! It was finally my turn. It had been 1 hour and 37 minutes. I approached the window, no, let me rephrase, bulletproof, frosted ghetto glass. WTH? Is this the Post Office or the carryout? Our convo went like this:

Me: Yes ma’am, I’m here to pick up a package.
Her: You got a slip?
Me: No ma’am, there was no slip in my box but –
Her: Ain’t no slip, ain’t no package. Next!

My eyes bucked, my neck rolled, my left hand flew to my fluffy hip and my right hand halted the old gentleman who was anxious to move up in line.

Me: I’m not done yet. I have a printout from your website that says the package is here. There was no slip, but here is the tracking number and my address. Could you please try to look for it?
Her: Look, I’m the only one here, so I can’t be going on no wild goose chases for some package that may or may not –
Me: Look yourself lady. I realize that you’re the only one here because I’ve been standing in this damn line for almost 2 hours. I’m next and I want my package. I’m not moving until I get it.

The folks in line behind me were cheering and laughing at the exchange, but I wasn’t yet removed enough from it to laugh, ya know? Ole girl took her sweet time and wasted 14 minutes of mine before she brought my package up. She placed it into ghetto plastic contraption #2 – the pressurized case. She opens the Lucite box from her side and slides your package in. But don’t touch your door, because it won’t open until her door is completely closed. Good thing too, because the thought of pulling her skinny tail through that box was quite appealing. But, I happen to know that crimes committed in federal buildings get you federal time and I don’t look good in khaki.

So, what did I learn from my experience? You can’t get back wasted time. My neighborhood is up and coming, but it’s not coming up as fast as I’d like it to. People need to really evaluate if they are cut out to serve the public. My experience tells me that a large majority of workers are NOT!

I’ve since changed my address with Paypal and with my credit union, so now all packages will come to my job. I thought about a P.O. Box, but I’ve have to deal with the same Post Office to set it up and at some point during the life of the box. And frankly, I’ve had enough of that place. So unless I find out that I’ve won the 50 million dollar Powerball and the only place to collect my money is at Benning and Minnesota, I won’t be back.


39 thoughts on “A Repost By Request: Somebody lead me to FedEx!

  1. The last time I went to OUR post office ’round the corner was LAST year…I don’t fool with them. All packages are sent to my JOB!!! I can’t be fooled up with them folks at the Benning and MN Ave facility! LOL!

  2. Her: Ain’t no slip, ain’t no package. Next!


  3. ocular whiplash!! LOL I have never been to a post office with that chinese takeout, gas station plexiglass. Hope I never have to. And a slip don’t mean nothin..I’ve brought a slip and still not gotten a package.

  4. Oh how hilarious! I found you from Creole in DC and thank you so much for the laugh. I hate the post office.

  5. I’m with CreoleinDC..

    “Ain’t no slip, ain’t no package. Next!”

    has me ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!


  6. I had to come back. Yall remember the short order cook sketch on “In Living Color?” That’s what I’m thinking…”AIN’T NO SLIP, AIN’T NO PACKAGE! NEXT!”


  7. @ Tndr – Girl, you didn’t warn me about them folks. They won’t get me again!

    @ CreoleDC & Les – She pissed me off real good in that moment, but once I was able to think about it later, I howled!

    @ Everything – Thanks for stopping by! Yep, this is the first Post Office I’ve ever seen with the “safety” glass installed.

    @ Creole Wis – Thanks for stopping by!

    @ Miz JJ – It seems like they almost crave it. I have a nasty attitude and I hate helping people, so I’m going to go a waitress/receptionist, etc. Ugh!

    In Living Color? Oh yeah! Hot fries, PICK ‘EM UP!

  8. OMG. I am ROFLMAO, your post brought back memories, I remember that post office and how utterly ridiculous it is to go there.

    Thanks for the laugh…

  9. This story is very FUNNY!!!! the narration and the visuals (pics for this post) are on POINT —> LOL!!!

    (I too, found your blog by way of CreoleInDC’s blog)

  10. GIRL, I SO FEEL YOUR PAIN! And i know it’s “our people” right? it saddens me TRULY. I moved from fairfax va to PG a couple years ago and i never had to deal with this craziness out there. i’ve had packages stolen, rude customer service workers… girl that’s a daily for me! it’s a shame you pay so much to live somewhere and have to put up with that.

  11. I don’t condone violence but I know you were damn close to smackin’ the damn eagle off her uniform. You sure that crackhead that cut your grass couldn’t have gotten you a remote faster?!?!? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

  12. I think I burst a kidney on this one. Soccer Moms with 3 kids nippin at her ankles at the country post office out here in suburbia land (Clarksville, MD) ain’t got nothin’ on this. I still have a box over at the “Mailbox Etc.” cause sometimes our mail carrier (who drives his own hooptie) mysteriously/accidently leaves the mail across the street strewn in the cow pasture. Stop the madness.
    Girl, I’m still crackin up.

  13. @ Fergie, Thoughts, Diva Denise and Sales Diva – Hi! Thanks for stopping by!

    @ Uaint – Girl, speak on it! It’s ridiculous. You know that the following Monday I was calling, emailing and writing letters to the main post office.

    @ Fresh – Damn! I didn’t even think of getting Crack to “find” me a remote. He did “locate” a hubcap for me back in November for $2.

    @ Sales – Not across the street the cow pasture! *lol*

    @ Shawn – That’s what hubby said. I might have to do that.

  14. This is the funniest PO story I have ever heard. I’ll tell you I don’t know which is worse, the PO or the DMV.


  15. Great post, saw it on DCBlogs. the same thing has happened to me at the Columbia Heights PO multiple times, so now I’ve rented a mailbox at a UPS Store and can get packages delivered from any carrier – US mail, FedEx, UPS, etc. It’s expensive, but very convenient. No lines, attentive staff, pleasant surroundings.

  16. This Post Office from Hell story had me ROLLING. OMG! I work in this general area so I know the crappy attitudes and wack customer service of which you speak. Thankfully I’ve never been to this post office and have no plans to visit now.



    TDJ…girl…you REALLY don’t know how funny this ish is…I mean like…REALLY! It just CRACKS ME THE FUG UP!!!!!!!!!

    I’ve re-read this like 12 times and I laugh erry single time! ROFL!

  18. “Why do people who hate people go into customer service?”

    Because those ghetto losers know that they’re not cut out for anything else (they’re far from cut out for customer service!!!) and those places will hire just about anyone. I’d love to get customer service from someone that doesn’t cop attitude, suck their teeth, and who knows how to speak with some sort of elocution. Nope…not in DC or its suburbs!

  19. you did good. Now you can see why folks go postal at the post office and I am not just talking about workers. People should get out of customer service if they have that kind of attitude. I am still tripping off, ain’t no slip, ain’t no package. Ooo yeah you did real good.

  20. The Post Office in Brightwood isn’t a whole lot better, though, it’s not as bad as the one you describe. A lot of times, I go to the little PO in Takoma Park or I’ll schlep all the way out to Merrifield, VA, and post stuff there.

    As for packages, everything comes to work. It’s just so much easier that way.

    P.S. Found you via Creole in DC.

  21. LMAO! Man oh man DC is just sooooo crazy. I’m lucky that I can have packages sent to my job. My postoffice is the one at Union Station which can have a long wait but it’s open really late which is an advantage. Glad you stood up for yourself!

  22. LMAO. That is too funny, especially when you halted the guy in back of you. I avoid the post office as much as possible!!

  23. how sad that this is an extremely accurate portrayal of a trip to the post office — especially in a non-affluent area. I’ve experienced both.

    I was shocked to go into the affluent post office and find a whole separate door as well as person assigned to handle package pick-ups only, as opposed to the scenario you outlined of one person for 50 customers.

  24. Um….PLEASE ban anonymous from your site. Sheesh. I came here to get my laugh on and found you’d been hijacked. Sheesh.

  25. Man I dont event remember the last time i used stinking snail mail, SIKE I LIED I used it when i was sending a job application for a position with the city of Philadelphia. Only to see it get there all late.

    FAWK, oh well 4 seasons.

  26. OMG! that was both nuts and hilarious. i too use my work addy for the delivery of things that need to be signed for.

  27. We’ve got plexiglass too! LOL. The safety joint where they lift, you wait, they close, then you open! WTH?! Thought it was just a Brooklyn Special! Glad to see crazy is universal! LOL.

    LMAO @ No slip, no pakg! LOL.

  28. Once again you had me laughing. I still crack up when I read “A Saw By Any Other Name.” I think until such time as you have a sequel to that one, it will forever be the fav. But as to your post here, it appears as though the Federal occupations in D.C. tend to be employed by the most ungrateful heffas!

  29. “… occular whiplash…” That was funny!!! I gonna have to use that!! (with proper attribution of course) I suppose if you now found your old remote your head might explode!!

    Even though I live in P.G., I still have my P.O.B. in Tak. Park – just because I wasn’t sure what it would be like…

    Thanks for the laugh!

  30. This was a funny story and it’s good you stood your grounds. I’m fortunate to like the folks in my post office. They are all very nice. But I do hear horror stories from others at other post offices.

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