My Grandma Should Be On a Stage

Some of ya’ll out there know my Grandma LouLou in real life. I wrote about a funny conversation that she and I had here. She’s a pistol and she should be a comedian on stage somewhere. But, she’s never actually trying to be funny. She just tells it like she sees it and in her 81 years here, she’s developed a comedic timing that could rival the big boys.

A little background on the conversation that we had over the weekend. LouLou has six children. Our conversation centered around her oldest son. We call him Uncle Phil because he looks like James Avery from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Uncle Phil and Aunt Alice have been married for over 30 years. Aunt Alice happens to be white. Not an issue as far as the family is concerned, but it’s essential to the story. After living in upstate New York all their married life, they’re moving to rural North Carolina this month. Over the last two months, while they put their home on the market, packed, visited NC, etc, they’ve been hard to reach. So, this is what LouLou had to say about the whole thing:

Me: Have you talked to Phil and Alice lately?

LouLou: No. I call and they don’t call me back.

Me: Really? That’s not really like them.

LouLou: I think Alice got a plan.

Me: A plan?

LouLou: Hmm hunh. You know I love Alice right? She’s a good daughter in law. But yesterday, I was watching that Lifetime channel for women. You watch that channel?

* chuckling lightly to myself *

Me: Yes ma’am, sometimes I watch Lifetime.

LouLou: That’s a good channel – sad sometimes, but still good. So anyways, I was watching and I got to thinking. I think that all this not calling back and stuff is part of Alice’s plan. She gonna take Phil down to that little town, where they don’t know nobody, kill him for the insurance and we won’t know for months. Then, after she kills him, we won’t even think nothing of it when he don’t return the calls. She’s setting up a pattern.

Me: Huh? You think Auntie is going to kill Uncle Phil?

LouLou: Well, like I say, I love her and she’s been good to me, but you know how them white women are. They kill their men. And sometimes for no good reason at all.

* silence as I try to control my laughter *

Me: Gram, I’m pretty sure that Auntie is not plotting to kill Uncle Phil.

LouLou: Umh hunh. Ok then, I’m not gonna tell nobody else, but you remember what I say. Come July or August, after it’s all said and done, they won’t even be able to find no evidence of the crime in the woods out there. I knew it first.

Me: Isn’t it past your bedtime?

LouLou: I know you think I’m crazy sometimes, but you better mark my words. I know how them white women are and if you don’t, you need to watch a little more of that Lifetime channel for women. They’ll explain it you real good, in a bunch of ways. Good night baby.

Me: Good night Gram.

What more can I say? I love her dearly and she cracks me up.


20 thoughts on “My Grandma Should Be On a Stage

  1. You can’t front though. Those Lifetime movies are always seem to involve some mysterious murder or disappearance. I gotta look at wifey with the raised eyebrow when she’s so into them.

  2. Your grandma isn’t lying. I have had a conversation about this with my dad. When he was going through the divorce with my step-mom, he said he was sitting around with a bunch of his golf buddies. All who happened to be white. They saw the frustration he was going through and one of them plainly said, “Why don’t you just kill her.” My dad thought the guy was joking but he wasn’t. Nobody flenched because they all thought it was a grand idea–except for my daddy.

    But I doubt your aunt waited 30 years to kill him. I mean really. If she was going to kill him for the insurance money, why wait so daggone long?

  3. That is hilarious! I haven’t watched lifetime in a while maybe I should start so I can learn about white women :-). lol!

  4. You’re grandmother is a trip…I think she’s been watching a little too much Lifetime (I can’t lie though…my TV frequenly gets stuck on that channel). God Bless her! HI-larious! LOL

  5. Yeah, Grams is a nut. My husband and I are heading up to NY tonight to surprise her for Easter. I might just disconnect her cable. I don’t want her getting too many more crazy ideas. *lol* I may make our conversations a weekly feature on my blog. She’s got WAY TOO MANY hilarious thoughts.

  6. Now that was too funny reminded me of my great-grandma (RIP). She was our families conspiracy theorist. Just Too funny.

  7. OMG.. I am in tears!!!! LMAO hahahaaaa HEEELARIOUS!! but ya granny do have a point.. might wanna try his cell phone LMAO


  8. I just love the 65 and older set, lol. They are hilarious. My goal in life is to be a opinionated, sassy old chick. Very cool!

  9. This was hilarious! Those Lifetime movies will suck you in and before you know it an entire Saturday or Sunday afternoon is gone. And they all feed into each other. “Betrayal of Trust,” “Deception and Betrayal,” “Wounded and Betrayed.” LOL. The titles of some of those movies are a trip. But Grandma LouLou is right a whole lot of white women in those movies are killing their men…


  10. LMAO @ ur Granny! She reminds me of mine and her sister Erma. (RIPx2)We dubbed them the suspicion sisters! LOL.

    Once they get to a certain age, it is on an poppin’!

  11. Your grandmother is a hoot, but she’s not alone in her thoughts that white folks kill you for nothing. My sister (only 32, not 80) does not want me to date white me because “they kill you for nothing!” And she is dead serious. LOL

  12. Pingback: Put On Your Eyes Grandma « Just Another Day In Chocolate City

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